Happiness is a Job

Happy Thursday everyone! It is a bright sunny day, of which I will most likely spend inside.. Oh well. Today is day 4 of my new job, and I am really loving it. I work in a “Tex-Mex” restaurant, and I am so happy to be back working. The part that is hard though, is having to go through all the training again, the meeting of employees, studying a whole new menu, gaining trust from managers, the whole deal. But it is a job of which I love to work and am happy to work.

Starting a new job is a breeding ground for new anxiety, new reasons to crawl back into bed and not do anything. But, when you enjoy your job you tend to learn to push through it all. First day of this new job, I was on top of cleaning tables like I usually do during slow nights, and spilt coffee all over one of the servers. He cleaned himself up, he mopped for me and was super kind about it. Completely the opposite from what I was expecting.

Let me touch on the title for a second. For most people, happiness comes naturally. It is easy to just smile and walk around and have a fantastic day. For those people, the job is easy. For us with depression, it’s a different story. Everyday trying to maintain a certain level of happiness, is difficult and definitely energy consuming. For us, the job is tedious and hard. Doesn’t mean that the job isn’t do-able though. Just means we have to work twice as hard to make it seem like it comes with ease.

I hope everyone enjoys their day! Can’t wait to head into work tonight!


A New Stage with Average Lighting

I actually had to pull my hair back for this post because it’s about to get serious.

In all honesty, I am not ready for my future. I realized this today as I was FaceTiming my best friend who is starting her official college life at UCF. She was so pumped and ready to go, yet still worried about finally being on her own. She typically handles things pretty well, so I am confident that she can do it. Watching her talk about the campus and how excited she was though, was just the start of my rapid emotional decline in the past 20 minutes.

I got to talk to my three new lovely roommates today, and I’m not feeling too bad about that. I can tell that they will be good friends to me. Then anxiety comes creeping up.. What if I’m really not that funny, or a decent person to live with? What if my depression hinders our friendship and I become a lump that eats everyone’s food and sits in my room all the time when I am not in classes?

If it wasn’t blatantly obvious enough, I don’t handle change well. Most of it I keep in a jar on my counter … See? Terrible puns… But in all seriousness, I don’t. Ever since the divorce between my parents, any change, is difficult. Whether it was moving from house to house, from middle school to high school to college, no matter what it was, it was an open gash to more anxiety and depressed moments. The change from community college to a serious, “buckle and knuckle down”, college has got me terrified. Part of me is more terrified because I know I am a terrible studier. This is evident by me being one point away from a scholarship on a standardized test. I don’t care if I scored higher than the national average, I didn’t score high enough to make myself proud. What if those habits continue? What if I flunk out??

I have so much I want to do in my short life. Learn things, travel, get married, get a fantastic job and change at least one persons life. My anxiety and my depression blur those dreams, and it hurts me when those feelings creep up. I want to have a successful college career, I want to have a successful job, and have my love life flourish with the man I love. How long though do I have to suffer thinking that it will never happen? Am I doomed to have this depression the rest of my life, keeping me from ever making a change in my life that may be for the better?

I am the director of my life. I can change that script to make something happen to help the plot. But to be safe, I wont. I wont make a change because I am scared I will lose the will to keep watching. Maybe the future brings new lighting to the stage and we shall see where we go. Maybe I just need more dancing… singing… the small joys…


Making You Happy

You ever have that feeling where you have so much to say but you have no idea how to say it? You ever want to scream the words written on your heart, but have no way to articulate them? Yeah, I’m feeling that now. Late nights typically aren’t good for me. I just turn into this ball of giggly goop, and I have no idea what to do with my life. Then again, that really isn’t different from any other time. But, here I am. Currently 12:45 in the morning, and I honestly don’t understand why I am awake other than the swimming thoughts in my mind that keep me vertical in bed. Seems to be a common thing now a days. It’s not particularly bad, just a lot going on in my mind and in my head, and as much as I try and write my feelings, or talk them out, I still seem to lose some sleep here and there.

At the end of the day, the thought that keeps my eyes open the most, is did I do my due diligence for the day. Did I make someone happy? Did I accomplish what I set out to do for the day? I think I did what I had to do yesterday, so I don’t know why I am not sleeping… I think that may be my problem though… I am focusing, and having my own mental health depend on if I made someone else happy, but not myself. Granted, that really isn’t how I operate. I tend to care for other humans before my measly self, and that has made me mentally sick from time to time.

Helping other people can make you have a sense of accomplishment, make you feel overall better about yourself, but never forget about yourself. If you worked long hours mowing someones lawn, make sure you draw a long relaxing bath for yourself after. If you’re on the phone for an evening with your friend who is crying on the other end of the line because Tom was a cheating idiot, then make sure you cuddle up to your loved one that night, or even write down your feelings in your journal to keep up to date with how you feel.

Something I know I am not the best at; making sure I put myself first sometimes. There are times where your feelings should come second. When the health and wellbeing of others is on the line, sure, worry about them. But every chance you get, take care of yourself. For the longest time, struggling with depression has made it extremely difficult to love myself and treat myself first sometimes. Everyday I am getting better at doing so, regardless of the days where I absolutely can’t do it.

It can be hard somedays. I know I say this a lot, but I will continue to say it over and over again. There are days where you don’t want to get out of bed. Days where you feel all hope is lost. Those are the days where you need to take care of your mental state and your body. Drink some tea and run a bath. Start adding some color to those sketches you did years back. Write a letter to a friend you haven’t seen since you both moved away to college. It is the little things that can make a difference between a happy day, and a bad day.

So when I said, “Did I make someone happy?” I didn’t mean just anyone. I meant myself too. Did I make myself happy yesterday? Yes, I did. I accomplished what I set out to do. Now it is time to rest up for another day of good, positive vibes.

What is something you do to show yourself love?

My People

“Sunday June 12, 2016 at 2am, shots were fired. By the later morning hours, 50 were killed, 53 injured. The worst mass shooting in modern day U.S. history. The Orlando shooting this morning has rocked my world. This whole morning I have sat mindlessly in front of the TV, absolutely awe struck at what has happened.

Everyday, LGBTQ+ people are threatened, are attacked. I can honestly say, speaking for most of the LGBTQ+ community when I say, we are terrified. We are scared beyond words because these are our brothers and sisters who have fought their whole life to express themselves freely. We are scared because everyday we live with this fear that we will be bullied, attacked, or killed, for simply being born the way we are. But I swear to you, we will stand strong in days like this.

My heart, my love, my prayers go out to those lives that were lost that day, and to their families, friends, and loved ones.”

I started this post the day it happened. I haven’t wanted to continue or finish it, in the wake of the tragedy, knowing people needed their time to grieve, and also knowing that we still don’t have all the answers.

I will not get political about this, and I hope other people will not get political either. Now is not the time to do so. Give everyone a couple days to mourn the loss of loved ones, then start the discussion about gun violence or whatever you feel is needed to talk about. When the time is right, I too will share my opinions. But not now.

Please be safe. Much love. Will update later today.

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The Body Journey

Good morning, and happy Friday! We made it. Started from Monday, now we’re here. Good job team. I don’t know how to go about talking about this. It’s touchy for me, and I am sure sensitive for everyone. Our own perception of ourselves, can be our worst enemies. How you view yourself can destroy you, […]

What is True?

Good morning, and happy Thursday! Work week is almost done, don’t lose hope!

Today, I wanted to bring to light some of the myths about depression, hopefully to bring around more of an understanding to the mental illness. I am using the myths from Mental Health America but, I am writing my own excerpts on why it is false. The published article is linked below.

Myths About Depression

Myth: Depression is not a real medical problem
If it were not a real medical problem, I wouldn’t have to seek medical treatment. Just because it is not a physical ailment, does not mean that it doesn’t affect us any less. Trying to tell someone that suffers from depression to stop taking medication, is like telling a diabetic to stop taking insulin. Some of us just can’t do it.

Myth: Depression only occurs when something bad happens in your life
Granted, something bad can happen to trigger the brain to produce less serotonin. My parent’s divorce was what triggered my depression when I was 11. But it doesn’t mean that is the case for everyone. Depression isn’t caused by failing an exam or a break up, because you can recover from that sadness.

Myth: Depression goes away
The fact that some people have that opprotunity to have depression that eventually goes away, and don’t need medical treatment, you are blessed. You are extremely lucky and I am happy for you. But there still is a large majority of us that don’t have that opprotunity.

Myth: Talking about depression makes it worse
What do you think I am doing here? I talk about it often to bring light to the topic. To help someone that may be suffering in silence and is too afraid to reach out for help. Talking about it with someone who is clinically depressed, you never know, may help them. It also opens the conversation to talk about mental illness in general.

There are ways to keep the conversation going. Just make sure you have the facts. Here is a link to Washington University School of Medicine, that lists pretty accurate facts to Major Depressive Disorder.

If you suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, what do you wish
others would know or understand?



Sexual Harassment & Assault

As you can tell by the title, this isn’t going to be a pretty one. Please, if this topic is uncomfortable for you, do not read it.
It honestly has taken a lot for me to ever talk about this situation, but it definitely needs to be talked about for the sake of helping others deal with this situation.

Before my sixth grade year was when my parents got divorced, triggering my depression. In my seventh grade year was when this all happened. So for a whole year I was already struggling with self harm and impending dread when this happened. From August of my seventh grade school year, to about November, was probably the scariest of my life.

I really liked this boy. Like wow. He was my best friend, super sweet, funny, someone I thought I could trust. Then finally, the moment we kids all waited for, getting our own Facebook. I can’t remember if I got mine in sixth or seventh grade, but the boy and I had become friends in my seventh grade year.

After awhile, and after he had found out that I liked him, things went downhill. He started messaging me obscene things on Facebook. Things I didn’t even know about, considering I was so “innocent”. Months of messaging and unwanted touching, in real life, went by.

November rolled around and I still didn’t know what to do. I was scared and trust me, my mom noticed. She thought it had to do with my Facebook, so she went through it, and what she found wrenched her heart. Eventually we scheduled a meeting with the school counselor, the lovely Ms. Bell. It was a very emotional meeting, and I didn’t expect any less.

When they accused him of what he did it was, “boys will be boys”. No. Hell no. Back then, I was more upset that I lost a friend and he would never look at me the same. Now? To Hell with it. I am more upset that the excuse of “boys will be boys” is even in someones mind when it concerns a child, male or females, safety. The part that hurt the most was when my friend would sit there and watch, or listen to me telling her what happened, and she would laugh.

Yes, this contributed to my anxiety, my depression, my unwillingness to trust people who want to get close. But I pushed through and got over the hurdles. Given the fact, yes, I was in seventh grade suffering from crippling depression, doesn’t matter with me telling the story now. Do not be like me and not tell someone for months. Do not be like me and let another persons unwanted hand touch your skin. Take it upon yourself to break the persons hand if you have to. Do not suffer in silence. You are worth so much more than that.

SILENCE IS NOT A YES! #istandwithvictims

Always Tomorrow

Here, in the Sunshine State, we are getting hit by a tropical storm. It’s not too bad, but it is bad enough to close schools in the area for the day. I usually enjoy the rain. It’s calming, relaxing, and I love hearing the pitter patter of drops on the window. Today was a little different. While the rain was wonderful, I just felt.. Empty. No rhyme or reason, just felt very alone.
I think that is a hard concept for some people to grasp. That some how there has to be a reason for your sadness, and that you were “triggered” by something. Sometimes there are triggers, sometimes there aren’t. I know I have had days that everything was wonderful and perfect, then BAM! just sudden dread sets in. Oh well. Then the times that there are triggers, I think are even worse then when there isn’t, because then I am stuck thinking about that trigger and over thinking it, falling more and more into this pit of bleh.

That is the medical term by the way… “Bleh”

The best way to get out of the funk is to just find a way to cope, and that is all individual. Sometimes you just have to wait till the next day, when hopefully it’ll be sunshine and rainbows, and you hear the pitter patter of love bugs flying into your window at top speed.

What is something that triggers you into feeling sad?