I actually had to pull my hair back for this post because it’s about to get serious.
In all honesty, I am not ready for my future. I realized this today as I was FaceTiming my best friend who is starting her official college life at UCF. She was so pumped and ready to go, yet still worried about finally being on her own. She typically handles things pretty well, so I am confident that she can do it. Watching her talk about the campus and how excited she was though, was just the start of my rapid emotional decline in the past 20 minutes.
I got to talk to my three new lovely roommates today, and I’m not feeling too bad about that. I can tell that they will be good friends to me. Then anxiety comes creeping up.. What if I’m really not that funny, or a decent person to live with? What if my depression hinders our friendship and I become a lump that eats everyone’s food and sits in my room all the time when I am not in classes?
If it wasn’t blatantly obvious enough, I don’t handle change well. Most of it I keep in a jar on my counter … See? Terrible puns… But in all seriousness, I don’t. Ever since the divorce between my parents, any change, is difficult. Whether it was moving from house to house, from middle school to high school to college, no matter what it was, it was an open gash to more anxiety and depressed moments. The change from community college to a serious, “buckle and knuckle down”, college has got me terrified. Part of me is more terrified because I know I am a terrible studier. This is evident by me being one point away from a scholarship on a standardized test. I don’t care if I scored higher than the national average, I didn’t score high enough to make myself proud. What if those habits continue? What if I flunk out??
I have so much I want to do in my short life. Learn things, travel, get married, get a fantastic job and change at least one persons life. My anxiety and my depression blur those dreams, and it hurts me when those feelings creep up. I want to have a successful college career, I want to have a successful job, and have my love life flourish with the man I love. How long though do I have to suffer thinking that it will never happen? Am I doomed to have this depression the rest of my life, keeping me from ever making a change in my life that may be for the better?
I am the director of my life. I can change that script to make something happen to help the plot. But to be safe, I wont. I wont make a change because I am scared I will lose the will to keep watching. Maybe the future brings new lighting to the stage and we shall see where we go. Maybe I just need more dancing… singing… the small joys…