As I sit here trying to write something new, with my new puppy, Lucy, curled up against me, the nerves set in. “Oh my goodness, what to write?” I want to make it a happy experience sitting here writing for you all, and not feel like a chore. But I still want to be able to articulate my thoughts and advice in a cohesive blog post.
Trying to stay busy waiting for something is difficult. I attend college in a few weeks, and waiting for it to come is eating me alive! I’m ready to go! I want to start experiencing things, and go on adventures with college friends! Then… the nerves…
I’ll be… away…
I was known, as a child, and as a 17 year old, as a piece of velcro. I was always attached to Mama’s hip, or latched onto Dad’s arm, or with my friends any other time. Now that I have to be TORN AWAY from everyone to go live at college, is tough. But you are literally still in the same town as your family and friends, why are you complaining? Because I’m a needy little brat thats why. The idea of “leaving the nest” wasn’t the most pleasant of ideas for me. I like being comfortable, in places I know, with food I love, and people I like.
Ever since the depression manifested, I have developed this fear of loneliness. Not as in me being physically alone, but emotionally. Sure, my family is just a call away, but it will be much different not coming home to them every night. It’s the fear of having to make new friends and new family with my college buddies. What if they don’t like me? What if I am too much of an emotional wreck? Hopefully they will manage with my antics.
I have also tried taking up organizational habits in the past two weeks. I’ve started something called a Bullet Journal, where I log each day, goals, weekly stuff, monthly view, bunch of stuff. I wonder if it is really needed because I already have a planner for the school year, which I am using now to get into the habit of. When I plan things out, execute beautiful organizational skills, *sigh* it lifts my spirits, just a bit. Hopefully knowing that I will be organized for the school year will be something that makes me proud when I get sad or annoyed during the year.
What is something, no matter how small,
that makes you proud when you are sad?