Busy Bee

As I sit here trying to write something new, with my new puppy, Lucy, curled up against me, the nerves set in. “Oh my goodness, what to write?” I want to make it a happy experience sitting here writing for you all, and not feel like a chore. But I still want to be able to articulate my thoughts and advice in a cohesive blog post.

Trying to stay busy waiting for something is difficult. I attend college in a few weeks, and waiting for it to come is eating me alive! I’m ready to go! I want to start experiencing things, and go on adventures with college friends! Then… the nerves…

I’ll be… away…

I was known, as a child, and as a 17 year old, as a piece of velcro. I was always attached to Mama’s hip, or latched onto Dad’s arm, or with my friends any other time. Now that I have to be TORN AWAY from everyone to go live at college, is tough. But you are literally still in the same town as your family and friends, why are you complaining? Because I’m a needy little brat thats why. The idea of “leaving the nest” wasn’t the most pleasant of ideas for me. I like being comfortable, in places I know, with food I love, and people I like.

Ever since the depression manifested, I have developed this fear of loneliness. Not as in me being physically alone, but emotionally. Sure, my family is just a call away, but it will be much different not coming home to them every night. It’s the fear of having to make new friends and new family with my college buddies. What if they don’t like me? What if I am too much of an emotional wreck? Hopefully they will manage with my antics.

I have also tried taking up organizational habits in the past two weeks. I’ve started something called a Bullet Journal, where I log each day, goals, weekly stuff, monthly view, bunch of stuff. I wonder if it is really needed because I already have a planner for the school year, which I am using now to get into the habit of. When I plan things out, execute beautiful organizational skills, *sigh* it lifts my spirits, just a bit. Hopefully knowing that I will be organized for the school year will be something that makes me proud when I get sad or annoyed during the year.

What is something, no matter how small,
that makes you proud when you are sad?

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What is Next?

I think that is the question we are all asking ourselves these days. Whether it is with the world around you, your place of employment, personal relationships, your education, whatever. We are all asking what is next. In these past few weeks I have had to come to a strong halt in my thought process. Thinking that I knew what could come next as long as I stuck to a plan and I didn’t waiver in my thoughts or opinions.

Examples:
“I can be off my medication by the time I start college!” – Me, about 2-3 years ago.
“I know what I want to do with my life!” – Me, about a year ago.

Boy was I wrong in those two. I could list more but I don’t want to seem pathetic. I am still going strong in my medication and looking at a couple more years on it, and I have also now decided on a completely new major, of which may still change. My point is, we don’t know what the future brings. We can only be hopeful for what we want / need / wish for, but can’t always bank on it. We can’t always be positive on what comes next, we can only ask the question and wait.

One side not with this whole argument, whatever may come next for you, always do what you have to do, make the decisions you have to, to make YOU happy. This is a hard concept of which I still haven’t even mastered. I can only try my best at it, and hope to improve. Another fault of mine, I seek validation, especially from my family and other loved ones. I feel like I haven’t made the right choice if it upsets / disappoints / infuriates them, no matter how happy the choice may have made me. That, in turn, impacts my choices for my “what comes next?” because I didn’t do, and won’t do, what it takes to make me happy.

Long story short, what ever choice you make to make you question “what comes next?”, make it a healthy, happy, good choice. No matter how hard it may be. Example, divorce. That isn’t a happy choice in the beginning. In the long run, I hope that it would result in a happier life for both parties. Get the picture?

I hope everyone has been well, I wish you happy vibes.

Are making choices easy for you? Or do you
seek other peoples approval?