Advice from Mama

“We live in a society, that’s not always accepting of who you are. You need to be able to take the pain. But, you need to remember that your going to be who you are, and no one can change that.” -August 19, 2011, courtesy of Facebook’s ‘On This Day’

Whether it connects with you through mental health disorders, personality, religious preferences, sexual and/or romantic orientation, etc., I believe it stands true with everyone. Ever since I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I felt so different from everyone else. I felt rejected by those who knew, and the anxiety kicked in when I had to tell those who needed to know.

I go to a school now, that I don’t have to worry about that. The people I have met, and the people I have known before and have the honor to be friends with, and even the people I don’t really know, are so accepting, so loving. I have never felt so at peace with my life then where I am now. Granted, yes, I have to write a thesis next year. Yes, the course load will be difficult. But that is a story for another time. Before I got here, I was extremely worried about my social life. Will I fit in? Will I get looked up and down? Will people judge me? Etc. Etc. But now, I am so happy to be a part of this family that everyone looks out for each other. Granted, yes, it is college, and there will always be some social “bumps”, so to say.

I have to remember that I am going to be who I am going to be, and no one can change that. As long as I stay true to myself, I know everything will be okay.

If you went to college, what was your experience like?

A Fresh-ish Start

For the past week I have been pressing on in my college journey. Moving in, doing orientation activities and games, as well as being around all my new classmates. It has honestly been quite the experience, and quite the stressful one as well. While I usually am able to adapt to new situations easily, this one is a little different. Sure, I’m only 20 miles down the road from home, why should I feel homesick? I didn’t feel the anxiety I feel now, snuggled up in MY bed.

But, I digress. I am excited to get started into the school year and continue on with my journey. I have met a lot of new people, seen a couple great friends, it has been amazing. Granted, I haven’t even called home in the past few days because of all the exciting things going on. After taking what we call “Mini-Classes” today, I realize the stress I am under and how tough this is going to be.

This step though has certainly made me think more and more about my depression. How am I going to make sure I take my medicine? How am I going to react when things don’t go the way I want them to? How bad is my anxiety going to get? This is going to get pretty rough, but lets see how it goes…

How bad did everything feel for you when a big step came around?

An Open Letter to My Fellow Students

Hey there. It’s me. The person you may know really well, or only see my face in the hallway. Either way, hi. I hope you are doing well with either adjusting to your new environment or preparing to step onto that campus for the first time. I’m right there with you so there isn’t much advice I can honestly offer about preparing for this. It’s going to be crazy. I went to community college for two years, so it definitely wont be the same as university so I am about just as nervous as you. I just wanted to take the time out to talk a little bit about self-love type stuff.

Pretty soon, we are all about to go our separate ways. Tomorrow morning in fact, I am loading up a van with all my stuff and I’m moving 20 miles away for college. Some people I know are crossing a couple towns, crossing Florida, or even crossing the country for college. That can be pretty far for some people when things get rough. Not having our family around at all after being with them day in and day out will definitely be a game changer, and instead of family you have people you probably don’t even know.

Don’t stress. I know I am probably repeating the things that give you anxiety about moving away, but don’t worry. You’ll find your place soon enough, and get comfortable. I guess the bottom line here is, remember to take time out for yourself. Between studying and school functions and more studying and classes and then more studying, you’re probably going to feel overwhelmed. Nothing a cup of tea and reading can’t fix. Like I said, I can’t compare too much because I went to community college which is nothing like university, but the premise is still the same. Don’t overload yourself. Don’t burn yourself out.

To all my friends that I have, I am so proud of each of you. I am so proud of what you will accomplish, and I can’t wait to see you soon. Stay in touch, and remember if you ever need me I am here.

To all my friends I will make, I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to share this new experience with all of you, and see where the future takes us all. Also, stay in touch with me too. I know we are all experiencing this together, so if you need me I am here.

To the people at my new school I may never talk to, I hope you do great things, stay strong, and do your best.

 

A Year Ago…

Upon waking this morning, I decided to journal feelings. I haven’t done it in awhile, and figured now was a good time to update. I had found a new journal and decided to start over completely and have my second notebook for jotting this stuff down. I put my time stamp down, and started to write. Then I thought, “I wonder when I started my old journal?” This day a year ago, I had started my first real journal, and I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you took a look at yourself a year ago, how would you feel? So in honor of my one year journal-anniversary, here is the beginning of my first excerpt from one year ago.

08/11/2015 – “I don’t really want to go back to therapy or the hospital, so this journal is to my journey of keeping my happiness alive, while finding out who I am. So I think an intro would suffice. I was born Marissa Ware on 08/24/1998. Everyone tells me that I was a very happy baby. They nicknamed me the “Walmart Greeter.” I was always smiling, always happy to see everyone.”

There is a lot more, but I’m not comfortable diving into my personal stuff just yet. Nonetheless, this change has been great. I can honestly look back and say that I am in a far better place then where I was. One year ago, I was lost, scared, confused. Now, I feel like I have a better grasp on my feelings and who I am. It has been a long road coming, but I think I finally got it, and now that I am going to college in two days, I can walk in with my head held high, medication in my pocket, journal in hand, and know that no matter what, all the things I think are bad about me, don’t define me.

Where do you see yourself in one year?

 

Update: The World is Still Spinning

Good morning! I can feel it in my bones, it is going to be a good one. Or maybe it’s indigestion, I’ll let you know.

I am spending the day with my cousins, sister, and grandparents, and wow having everyone here is amazing. But lately I’ve been feeling quite down. It’s amazing how we get so wrapped up in situations. How the smallest things can take a week from you, inducing crying every night. I know for me, my mind can take the smallest thing and spin it into a very big thing. But no matter how bad it gets, it has taken me awhile to accept it, but the world is still taking it’s trips around the sun. The world hasn’t ended, I’m still breathing, still questioning whether I feel a good day in my bones or it’s indigestion.

I fall privy to the fault of doing this… and often. I am at fault for causing more drama than I am worth. I realize this, and want to fix it. I know this was something I did often when my depression began to hit. I wanted to focus on something bigger and more “drama filled” then what was going on inside my head.

My mom reminded me yesterday,

“In 48 hours you’ll look back and think, ‘Wow what was I thinking!?'”

And she’s right. It sucks but the days we feel terrible will soon be just a yesterday. You just gotta get to tomorrow.