Inevitable Heartbreak: My “I’m Sorry” Open Letter

It is currently 12:26 in the morning, and let me be honest, I am not used to being up this late. This isn’t usually what I do, but feelings need to be written in order to cope with the crushing pain in my chest. Breakups aren’t fun, I think we can all agree on that. But as the tears clog my vision and “our song” blares in my ears, I can’t help but notice that somehow… I can’t even come up with a word that describes what this all even feels like. I’ll admit, I have my faults. And even as I tried to type just one of them, I just delete it because I thought of one far worse then the last. Maybe it is just the feelings talking, or maybe this is the true me that hides under the surface of smiles and positivity breaking through that skin wall. Who knows?

It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be unsure and scared. Maybe your relationship, your education, or your career path worry you on the daily. Whatever fits your situation, it is okay to worry a ton, and be unsure, and be scared. But from what I have learned, wait it out. Not only could all that worry go away, but someone can come along or a situation could present itself that could make your problems dissipate. It’s going to hurt, and you are going to feel your heart shatter every second you think about it. But there is always a better time coming, as long as you wait… If you are dealing with a relationship issue, just wait. Wait for them to come home so you can get on the phone and talk it out. Wait for them to come home from across the country. Don’t give up. If you truly love someone, just wait.

If you can’t wait or if you are dealing with a breakup, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. If it ended with the intention that one was trying to do right, I understand. If you ended it because you were scared or because you felt like you were doing the right thing, the pain goes away, I promise. You just have to breathe, and know that you did what you thought was right. Even though you regret the decision every night, even though you stare at pictures, even though you listen to your guys’ song every chance you get…. God I hope it gets better…

Always on my mind… Always in my heart…

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High Expectations

Good afternoon everyone! I hope this Monday has been a good one for you. I started this morning with doing some laundry, coffee, and some good ‘ole organization. I also took the time to reflect on past weeks and how I have been doing.

Last Monday I had a meeting with one of my professors about my approach to the readings in her class. I have realized, making the transition from community college to legitimate college, has been easier than I had hoped. What really has been difficult though is trying to understand the language used. And I vocalized these feelings to her, and you know what she said?

“You need to lower your expectations for yourself!”

WHAT? Me? Lower my expectations? How could I ? I know what I am capable of. But goodness later that day I realized she was right. Not just did she mean lower my expectations for myself academically, but also emotionally.

At 5:00 pm on September 19, 2016, I had my first severe panic attack. I began trembling at first, shallow breathing, feeling like everything was caving in, then came the uncontrollable crying. I was on the bathroom floor surrounded by my roommate and my two best friends, holding me while I cried. As far as I remember, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, which is probably why I don’t remember what happened for that hour.

I kept quiet about it for awhile because I didn’t want people to think that I couldn’t handle what was placed in front of me (school, relationships, changes in general). But I need to realize that I am not always 100% okay or capable of being perfect all that time. I, and a lot of people, need to lower our expectations, and give ourselves room to breathe and understand that we aren’t always where we want to be. I’m allowed to cry as much as I need, I’m allowed to have breakdowns, YOU are allowed to cry, YOU are allowed to breakdown. Just don’t apologize for it. That was something I realized while all this was happening, was that I seemed to apologize a lot when it was all coming down. Why should you apologize for expressing your feelings? Stand strong, cry if you need to, but you don’t need to apologize.

BREATHE. You got this.

 

Eternally Thankful

Upon, finally, coming back on this site to try and compose a compelling blog post, I glance at my stats page.. 192 views on my last post, “Coming Out… Again?.” People, I don’t think you understand where this puts me mentally. Sure, it may not be the biggest population of people, but it is a start for me. For years I have feared that I could never make it as a writer, much less someone who blogs about life and my mental illness. At my college though, I am actually taking a course called Writing About Writing, and the course material and concept is pretty explanatory. In the course I have proven to myself that I can write, and I can write well. It just takes time to advance my skills.

I want to thank everyone who has subscribed to my articles, everyone whose read, commented, and liked my posts. I would like to know what else everyone would like to read about! What can I do to continue helping you?

Much love, Blessed Be

Coming Out… Again?

I remember when I first came out to my mother, when I thought I was a lesbian. That night is still engrained in my mind, how she simply asked me if I liked girls or not, and for me to get her another glass of wine. Simple. Yes, today we will be talking about sexuality/gender.

I guess what I really want to get from this post is something I never actually came out and said, or even explored, until I got to college. At NCF, we are a very open, loving, accepting, liberal community. That being said, to respect everyone from the get go, we ask each other pronouns as a follow up question to “what’s your preferred name?” Once I got here I was able to express my preferred pronouns openly and wow did it feel so good.

Yes, instead of the ‘She/Her’ pronouns that I was blessed with at birth along with my genitalia, I ACTUALLY use ‘They/Them’ pronouns.

For those of you who don’t completely follow I will explain everything. Instead of saying, “She went to the store,” you would say, “They went to the store.” Simple. I remember when I told my grandmother this when she came to my dorm room one day, she said, “Thats weird.” And please, by all means, think it’s weird. Think it’s odd. But it really isn’t.

As a gender-fluid person, I feel like I embody traits and qualities that stereotypical males and females possess. There is, somehow, this idea that males are better at somethings than girls, or girls are stronger than males in this or that field. If by being better at something that typically is dominated by males makes me masculine, fine. If by dressing a certain way makes me more masculine/feminine, cool. If painting my nails makes me feminine, then awesome. I’ll paint the heck out of my nails (I am terrible at painting nails). I feel like using ‘They/Them’ gives me the opprotunity to embody my more masculine side when I feel such, my feminine side when I feel that way, and not feel uncomfortable by someone using different pronouns. Trust me, there are times that even I slip up and say girl/she/her, instead of person/they/them. It is a learning experience for me too, that even I am not quite used to yet.

I am sure a lot of people already know, but I wanted to clarify because this has been a wonderful feeling for me in the past month, being able to use different pronouns and be comfortable, and I wanted to share that. My gender has always been an uphill battle for me, and taking the steps I need to take to make myself happy is always a shining light.

What pronouns do you use?