Good afternoon everyone! I hope this Monday has been a good one for you. I started this morning with doing some laundry, coffee, and some good ‘ole organization. I also took the time to reflect on past weeks and how I have been doing.
Last Monday I had a meeting with one of my professors about my approach to the readings in her class. I have realized, making the transition from community college to legitimate college, has been easier than I had hoped. What really has been difficult though is trying to understand the language used. And I vocalized these feelings to her, and you know what she said?
“You need to lower your expectations for yourself!”
WHAT? Me? Lower my expectations? How could I ? I know what I am capable of. But goodness later that day I realized she was right. Not just did she mean lower my expectations for myself academically, but also emotionally.
At 5:00 pm on September 19, 2016, I had my first severe panic attack. I began trembling at first, shallow breathing, feeling like everything was caving in, then came the uncontrollable crying. I was on the bathroom floor surrounded by my roommate and my two best friends, holding me while I cried. As far as I remember, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, which is probably why I don’t remember what happened for that hour.
I kept quiet about it for awhile because I didn’t want people to think that I couldn’t handle what was placed in front of me (school, relationships, changes in general). But I need to realize that I am not always 100% okay or capable of being perfect all that time. I, and a lot of people, need to lower our expectations, and give ourselves room to breathe and understand that we aren’t always where we want to be. I’m allowed to cry as much as I need, I’m allowed to have breakdowns, YOU are allowed to cry, YOU are allowed to breakdown. Just don’t apologize for it. That was something I realized while all this was happening, was that I seemed to apologize a lot when it was all coming down. Why should you apologize for expressing your feelings? Stand strong, cry if you need to, but you don’t need to apologize.
BREATHE. You got this.