A Time of Firsts

I am so happy. I meant to make this post the other day, but got sidetracked. Anyway, I wanted to share with you all something that I have had on my mind for a long long time. As you all know, I have had a lot of issues with my gender and trying to figure everything out, trying to find out who I am. Now that I am on my own at college, I have a lot of doors open for me for free therapy on campus. However, I haven’t been able to find a therapist that deals with gender identity issues/LGBTQ+ issues. There was one that was recommended to me, but I couldn’t afford it. I started a GoFundMe to help raise money for the $120/hr tab for the therapist, and didn’t get far. But that did not stop me at all. I kept looking for therapists that were good at what they do, and took my insurance. Sure enough, while I was at my psychiatry appointment, telling my doctor about all of these things, how I was feeling, she recommended someone to me in her circle, and I have a gender therapy appointment set up for February 7th! 

This is what I’d say is a sign. I never thought I would be able to get in with someone, I never thought I would get this far. Everything seemed so bleak, but hell I got through it all. It may not seem like much, just getting an appointment. However, on my end, this is a milestone in my journey. Like I said before, most of you know my journey, you know what I have been going through and dealing with. But of course, there is something different when it is all in your head. And of all things, I appreciate this outlet so much to help me get what’s in my head out. I also appreciate all the people that take the time to read what I put out and support me to the best of your ability. It helps me more than you could ever know.

When it comes to therapy as a whole, I feel like it is so important, and it is very much overlooked as a healthy outlet. Sure, talking to friends about your mental health can help, and sometimes does, there is something much more helpful about seeing a professional. I know I still talk to my family and friends about my gender issues, but I knew that if I really wanted all this settled and figured out, I would have to see someone. There is no harm in that though. I hope one day we can break the stigma against people seeing therapists, and making it seem like a bad thing. I know people that wont see one because they don’t like people, or they don’t want to talk about their problems, or they don’ t think it will help, etc. Let me tell you, if I didn’t have my parents that made me go, I don’ t think I would be as mentally sound as I am today, compared to a few years ago. I remember my first therapist, and they were everything I could have wanted in a therapist. Because of them, I have a very high standard for the people I decide to work with. But I have real high hopes for this coming week, and what this new person has to offer. 

All in all, thank you to everyone for all your support over the past few months, and even over the past few years. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am. I will keep everyone posted about how it goes!

#breakthestigma

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Taking A Break…

For the past month at New College, we have this thing called an Independent Study Project (ISP). It is where we focus on a specific internship or project for a whole month to better ourselves through that specific task. My ISP is called NaNoWriMo, where I basically write a 40,000-50,000 word book in a month. Terrifying right? I have been trying to write as much as possible to be able to meet my word counts for the day. Everything seems to get more and more bleak as I continue. My hope for this project dwindles as we get closer to the end. It certainly is difficult trying to write everyday and not lose motivation.

My topic, specifically, is about mental health and my gender identity, and how it all meshes together. After all this time of writing, I am taking a break… To write more here. This journey of trying to write all these things has brought me to a point where I realize a lot of things, such as where I’ve been and how far I have come. When it is all in the moment, and you’re jotting down everything you have felt in the past seven years, it gets tough. You start to think, maybe I haven’t come that far at all. Maybe it is just another hole I am letting myself slip into. If you are a writer, and you focus mainly on mental health like I have, don’t fall into that hole. These past few weeks there have been days I haven’t slept, not only trying to get my word count in, but also trying to try and rationalize all my feelings that I have had developing inside me for all these years. It certainly is a great feeling to get it all out, but still. It’s all a work in progress. Life in general is… there I go! Rambling again…

Needless to say, it all gets better. I guess that is my main point in all the posts I make and all the things I try to elude to you all. It may seem tiring and upsetting right now, but it certainly does get better. I hope you all stay tuned with Miss Olivia, my new co-writer, and I, for all our future posts and endeavors!

Puberty Challenge

On social media lately, I have seen a lot of these Puberty Challenges going around. Apparently you post an early photo of you, and then a more recent photo of yourself. I decided to post the difference between me at the beginning of the school year versus now. This first photo is my first day at New College of Florida, the one below is me a couple days ago.

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First day of classes at New College of Florida

I notice a whole bunch of differences. I see baggier eyes, I see the stress that has built up on me through months of rigorous work and intense self realization. I shaved my head a couple times, got tattoos and got piercings. Sure, maybe I fell off the deep end as my mama likes to say. But I feel like I have risen to the heavens. I am so much more at peace with myself and what I have done in my life. It hasn’t been just my time here that I have discovered all of this about myself, but after years of therapy and guidance from others, I have certainly been more centered than I ever have.

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A couple days ago

I have taken a lot more time for myself than I ever have. Working on myself, for myself, usually by myself. There is no harm in that at all. I feel like that is something a lot of college students, at least here, take time to do. I never really knew what it meant to take care of myself until I reached New College. My new found friends all have almost pressured me to sleep the right amount, and have allowed me to miss those lunch dates we planned to go and relax.

Sure, looking at me, you can tell a lot is different. I dress differently, my hair is wild. But I carry myself in such a different way than I did years ago. I am far more confident and sure of myself then I ever have been. I want to chock it up to more maturity but I know my Mom would disagree (hopefully jokingly).

How have you matured over the past year?