Trump’s Transgender Ban: Opinion

By: Marissa

Hey y’all! I apologize for being so absent, it has been a whirlwind of a year! I have a lot of posts coming your way so be prepared, and stay tuned. Today’s post is very controversial, so if you don’t like reading politics, I wouldn’t continue to read… But, please come back later because I have other stuff on the way! :)

To get down to it, I should preface this with telling you, I don’t like talking politics. Usually it is because I feel like I don’t know enough about what is going on in the government, much less the world, and so I just don’t talk about it. That being said, I know I should pay more attention to it, and I am trying to. With social media the way it is today, I can easily look on Facebook and get the skinny about what is going on.

Over the past two days, the LGBTQ+ community, the military, and so many more are in an uproar because of President Trump’s ban on transgender individuals serving in the military. I get my information for this post off CNN, and here are the links…

Military Ban

US Joint Chief Blindsided

Like I said, I don’t like talking politics. But because I feel it is my duty to my community, the LGBTQ+ community, I feel like my opinions too should be heard.

You all know, if you have been following me, that I have had gender troubles in the past. There were times where I thought I was transgender, and I got bullied for that. Not for thinking I was, but for me not being sure that I was.



You name it.

No, I am not transgender, but gender fluid. I express both sides of myself: masculine and feminine, and I am happy with that. It makes me feel whole. That being said, I did the research when I thought I was transgender. I talked to so many people, therapists, did readings online and in books. No, I do not know what it is really like to be trans, and I will never claim to truly understand, EXACTLY what it is like. I will forever love my transgender friends, trans individuals in my community, and will always support, and care for, each and everyone of them.

Unfortunately, there is another side to this. The force that is dealing with this issue: the military. No, I do not agree with the ban whatsoever. Although, I do not think it is a good idea to try and transition during active duty. After talking to my boyfriend, who is in the Army, I came to this conclusion. The reason is because, if your commitment is to your country, you need as much time as possible to serve. Dare I say it, but I almost agree with Tomi Lahren, former host of Tomi on TheBlaze. In order of what she says in her video that was posted to her Facebook page, here is what I think:

– The military is, yes, a “fighting force,”

– Not a social experiment? I don’t know if I agree or disagree but I will respect your opinion,

– No, I do not support Trump’s ban,

– Soldiers, and honestly anyone, who are comfortable and happy, have been proven to be more affective at their job (Oswald, “Happiness and Productivity”),

– I do agree with her that service members can lose active duty time for hormone treatments, surgeries, etc. Will it really impair their service ability? I have yet to see a case so far…

The video goes on, and of course, she has a lot more to say.

I believe anyone should be allowed to serve in the military. Hell, I wanted to do so myself because I felt like it was my duty for me to do so. A lot of transgendered individuals have served over the years. I do not know the exact statistics, or even their stories, but I am sure there must have been one person transitioning during active duty. Do I agree? Not completely. But as long as the job gets done. That is what matters… Along with each and every service member coming home safe, and each and every transperson feeling safe, happy, and comfortable with themselves. Whatever it takes for those two things to happen is all that matters to me.

How do you feel about politics? How does this ban make you feel?

Andrew J. Oswald, Eugenio Proto, and DanielSgroi, “Happiness and Productivity,” Journal of Labor Economics 33, no. 4 (October 2015): 789-822.


A Meditation That Shakes Things UP

By: Olivia 

Some people really aren’t the sit down and feel peaceful about the world sort of people. Sometimes, when I sit down to meditate I just want to roll my eyes and shout at the calming voice telling me to “breathe in and joy” and “breathe out hate”. Luckily, meditations come in all shapes and sizes. Today I want to share with you a mediation that never fails to make me laugh and settle down. It’s called “An honest meditation”.


This meditation uses bad words.

Don’t play it if foul language offends you.

Don’t play it around kids.

Iggy Azalea: Philosophical?

By: Marissa

While Iggy Azalea has faced her fair share of backlash for being a woman in the rap industry, I have always viewed her as just what she is, whether others choose to agree or not: an artist. Now, I don’t know if it was because I was very tired or really felt something, but I really resonated with the beginning line in one of her songs, Work.

“Walked a mile in these Louis Vuittons”

After a full year of rigorous attention to detail and analyzing difficult concepts in religious books, I have been able to find things that other people don’t. While this line may be simple, just a hardworking girl showing off her success, I personally find that to be empowering.

Let’s look at Iggy’s backstory. Amethyst Amelia Kelly, known professionally as Iggy Azalea, was born and raised in Australia. At a young age, which she outlines in most of her songs, she worked extremely hard to be able to leave Australia at 16, to come to America in pursuit of a career in hip-hop. Low and behold, she made it. While she, to some, exhumes the persona of just another rapper conforming to what the world wants to hear, just like anyone else, she has a history. A hard working one nonetheless. Through all that hard work, she has made it to a point in her life where she has achieved things some have only dreamed of. Twerking and all. However, I think we all have something to learn from Iggy: whether you like it or not.

A lot of people now a days are scared of hard work. I know a lot of people that have goals, dreams in fact, that have shaped their entire life and what they want out of life. But, they don’t want to put in the work to get there. Scared of failure. Scared of the unknown. It’s all out of fear that people don’t do the things they dream of. I fall privy to this too; I know I am not perfect. I have this crazy dream of going to graduate school, or another odd dream of becoming a professional bodybuilder. Sometimes I don’t focus on these dreams because I am too scared of the failure that could come.

Will Smith did a motivational talk on fear and how it affects our lives. My favorite line from the talk was when he said, “God placed the best things in life on the otherside of terror.” I cannot express how true this is, much less how important it is to take that concept and live by it. I am sure Iggy had her doubts. I am sure anyone who aspires to do anything great in their life, has doubts. Hell, I have doubts too. But nothing can beat those doubts like actually putting in the work, KNOWING that you are working hard, and then achieving your goals.

Sometimes, things don’t work out. As I said before, Iggy got her share of backlash from many people for doing what she does. But because of all that hard work, dedication, and unwillingness to settle for less than what she wanted, she is where she is now. You can also apply this to any musician, any actor, anyone higher up on the “food-chain.” Just know, they put in the work… and so can you.

So Work hard, and be Fancy


By: Marissa

That is always the question we as humans have. Why? Why does it rain? Why does this animal do this thing? Why are there no cookies left? I too am subject to always wanting to know why. My questioning stems mainly from my depression. Why does this happen to me? Why am I sad again? Why are there no cookies left? The cookie part then just triggers non-stop crying. Nevertheless, the important part here is the WHY.

As humans, we want to know why things happen. However, for a healthy mental state, I have been taught recently, not to ask why. Why, you may ask?

When I ask myself why, it tumbles me into more of a depressed state. Lets use the cookie as an example. First it starts as noticing that there is no more cookies. In order, these are the questions you will probably ask…

Why are there no more cookies?
Was I not good enough for the cookies?
Was I not eating the cookies in a moderate way?

In the end, while you are sitting on the floor crying because there are no more cookies, you find out that your SO (significant other) ate the last one, and has returned home with a whole new pack just for you. The moral of the story is, if you let yourself be consumed by one bad moment, the moments leading up to you feeling better will be worse. Asking why makes it worse as well. It tumbles you into worse feelings. However, if you just ride out that one bad moment, you know you will end up feeling better either way.

Imposter Syndrome

By: Marissa

Spring Break is over, and now it’s back to getting serious! Got to focus on getting this year done and out of the way, and getting ready for next year. I won’t lie, I am very nervous for next year, as I will, hopefully, be writing my thesis and getting the Hell out of here. I’m not saying that I don’t love it here, cause oh my God I do. I have not had more a glorious experience at a school, than I have had here. However, there are things that keep the majority of students from having a really great time here, especially academically. The biggest thing that does that to us, is this thing called Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter Syndrome is where you, a high-achieving individual, feels as if you are a fraud, a sham, a failure. It is where you feel as if you don’t deserve the success you have achieved, or where you can’t even accept the successes you have achieved. The thing is, with Imposter Syndrome, you don’t really discuss your feelings on the subject with others. For the fear of being discovered or seen as a fraud is more important than seeking validation, or even better, help.

I think what gives me the confidence to be able to write this is the fact that I have dealt with Imposter Syndrome for a very long time, not just in my years here at New College of Florida. When I was in elementary school and middle school, I was a very bright student. I still like to think I am, but back then, I felt like I actually knew it and I was confident in my abilities. Around the halfway mark of middle school, I transferred schools to a more demanding charter school on a college campus. I was surrounded by students that were brilliant! Even though I was lopped into that group through the eyes of my peers and mentors, taking high school level math courses in eighth grade, then transferring a year early to the college campus to take math courses.

Needless to say, I have had a lot of accomplishments to be proud of.  The part that freezes all that for me, and makes me feel useless, is I feel that because of my depression and anxiety, I don’t deserve to be at the level I am.

Last semester was a perfect example. I took a class with one of my favorite professors, titled “Religion & Gender.” I passed with flying colors, as my evaluations say, however, going through that class day to day was extremely difficult. Everyday I would walk into class, having something I wanted to discuss from the reading from the night before. I would sit and listen to everyone else first, then toss my ideas out the window. My papers in that class always received a satisfactory, and I always got good comments, but I always felt like a fraud being in that class.

I was the only first year in that class, and of course, the youngest. My peers had more time to really research and read more than I had been able to. There was one girl in the class who I looked up to the most, but made me feel the most insecure about myself. For sake of conversation, let’s call this person Joy.

Joy was very intelligent in this field. She would come to class everyday having something to say about the reading that was so detailed and backed up with information, that it blew my basic comprehension out of the water. I envied Joy for the longest time. One day my professor for that class, Dr. Marks, pulled me aside, realizing that I had issues speaking up in class. She gave me the best academic advice I feel like I have ever received, and that was to set lower expectations for myself, so when I achieve them, I will feel far better about myself, and will eventually be able to reach those higher goals with ease. Dr. Marks, when I told her how I felt about discussing things in class, how I felt about Joy and the other students, told me that basic is just fine. If I wanted to discuss how something made me feel or what I thought right off the bat after reading the first two paragraphs, that was perfectly fine. As long as I try.

As the next semester rolls around, I had the opprotunity to become closer with Joy, and we saw each other more often. One day I told her how I felt about having class with her the semester before, and how I felt being in that class. I told her how I thought she was very smart, but because of that I felt incompetent. She was taken aback, and visually shocked. She told me that she had felt the exact same way about me and what I had to say in that class, and she felt like she wasn’t good enough.

Needless to say, it was a funny encounter.

Imposter Syndrome affects probably every student at my school. I know for me, it really hits hard because I am moving twice the speed through the program, compared to the other first years. Instead of finishing the program in 4 years, I will be done in 2.

I’m already halfway through.

That being said, I feel as if I don’t deserve these achievements I have scored, and I could never be as good as other upper-years. But sometimes I have to take a step back and realized, I have kicked my own ass millions of times to get where I am, and I won’t let those ass kickings be for nothing. Not only that, but I will not let all those years of my mothers motivation be wasted on me failing because I didn’t feel good enough. Because dammit I am good enough, and so are you.

What makes you feel the most insecure? Work? School? Relationships?

Shoutout to New College of Florida for a great first year!

If you would like to read more in detail about Imposter Syndrome click here, to visit the American Psychological Association that has a great outline on what it means to have Imposter Syndrome.

Where Have You Been?

By: Marissa

As of late, I have been looking at myself in the mirror, and seeing a happier, more centered, me. I have to look at myself and question, ‘Where have you been?’ I ask myself that almost every day. Where has this person been in the past few years? Where have you been hiding? Lately, I have been in a really dark place. Things have happened that have kept me from doing the things I love. Things that honestly, I am afraid to post on social media. Maybe one day I will, but now, the wounds are too fresh.

I can’t express though how grateful I am for the people I have found in my life. Even during the dark times. In the past few weeks, despite the depression, I have found new friends, and even found people who I thought disliked me. Through all of that, I have realized how loved I truly am, how much people actually care, regardless of how I thought they viewed me. Because of recent events, I have been able to find these people and form new friendships and new bonds. I have the strongest support system I have ever seen, and I can’t explain how happy I am.

I can’t truly explain what it is like to live with depression. I can tell you the symptoms and the feelings I have, but I can’t really explain the darkness in my head. It happens to a lot of people, and I have realized that with each person that approaches me and tells me their story, offering their help. Suddenly I don’t feel so alone, so isolated. It took me to be alone in the darkness, just to realize that one the light comes on, there were hundreds of others standing right with me.

That is something I can explain though. As someone suffering with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), I have the tendency to feel as if I was alone. But once a light comes on, once someone comes to me and tells me their story, I realize I am not as alone as I think, and that is an amazing feeling.

I promise I will try harder to present more to you all. While there will be days that I don’t post for awhile, I promise you guys are always on my mind. Even if I don’t know you, you are a community that I can come to when I can’t stand for myself. While there will be bad days, while there will be times where I can’t control the tears, I just have to look in the mirror and say, ‘by God it’s great to be back.’

Why I Care About Mindfulness and So Can You

By: Olivia

Today I throw myself into the dangerous world of blogging in order to share my learning journey about mindfulness.

A few disclaimers before I start…

  1. I am not a medical professional,
  2. I am not a professional of any kind, except possibly a professional procrastinator,
  3. It might be a good idea to consult with a doctor or mental health professional before doing any of the crazy things I’m going to suggest are good for you.

Maybe you’ve heard about this mindfulness thing before in a book, maybe you know someone who practices it, or maybe you have absolutely no clue what mindfulness is and you only clicked on this post to look at the pretty pictures. I want to clear up a few things about mindfulness:

  • What is mindfulness?
  • Is mindfulness for you?
  • How do you start?

I recently moved away from home to start at a new college and apart from learning facts and figures in all my classes, I also a learned a lot about myself. I started to find that a lot of the things I did, thoughts I had, and feelings I felt were based in anxiety. One of the things that helped me the most was practicing mindfulness. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, mindfulness isn’t a one time thing that fixes your life, it’s an ongoing process.

Read More »

A Time of Firsts

I am so happy. I meant to make this post the other day, but got sidetracked. Anyway, I wanted to share with you all something that I have had on my mind for a long long time. As you all know, I have had a lot of issues with my gender and trying to figure everything out, trying to find out who I am. Now that I am on my own at college, I have a lot of doors open for me for free therapy on campus. However, I haven’t been able to find a therapist that deals with gender identity issues/LGBTQ+ issues. There was one that was recommended to me, but I couldn’t afford it. I started a GoFundMe to help raise money for the $120/hr tab for the therapist, and didn’t get far. But that did not stop me at all. I kept looking for therapists that were good at what they do, and took my insurance. Sure enough, while I was at my psychiatry appointment, telling my doctor about all of these things, how I was feeling, she recommended someone to me in her circle, and I have a gender therapy appointment set up for February 7th! 

This is what I’d say is a sign. I never thought I would be able to get in with someone, I never thought I would get this far. Everything seemed so bleak, but hell I got through it all. It may not seem like much, just getting an appointment. However, on my end, this is a milestone in my journey. Like I said before, most of you know my journey, you know what I have been going through and dealing with. But of course, there is something different when it is all in your head. And of all things, I appreciate this outlet so much to help me get what’s in my head out. I also appreciate all the people that take the time to read what I put out and support me to the best of your ability. It helps me more than you could ever know.

When it comes to therapy as a whole, I feel like it is so important, and it is very much overlooked as a healthy outlet. Sure, talking to friends about your mental health can help, and sometimes does, there is something much more helpful about seeing a professional. I know I still talk to my family and friends about my gender issues, but I knew that if I really wanted all this settled and figured out, I would have to see someone. There is no harm in that though. I hope one day we can break the stigma against people seeing therapists, and making it seem like a bad thing. I know people that wont see one because they don’t like people, or they don’t want to talk about their problems, or they don’ t think it will help, etc. Let me tell you, if I didn’t have my parents that made me go, I don’ t think I would be as mentally sound as I am today, compared to a few years ago. I remember my first therapist, and they were everything I could have wanted in a therapist. Because of them, I have a very high standard for the people I decide to work with. But I have real high hopes for this coming week, and what this new person has to offer. 

All in all, thank you to everyone for all your support over the past few months, and even over the past few years. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am. I will keep everyone posted about how it goes!


Taking A Break…

For the past month at New College, we have this thing called an Independent Study Project (ISP). It is where we focus on a specific internship or project for a whole month to better ourselves through that specific task. My ISP is called NaNoWriMo, where I basically write a 40,000-50,000 word book in a month. Terrifying right? I have been trying to write as much as possible to be able to meet my word counts for the day. Everything seems to get more and more bleak as I continue. My hope for this project dwindles as we get closer to the end. It certainly is difficult trying to write everyday and not lose motivation.

My topic, specifically, is about mental health and my gender identity, and how it all meshes together. After all this time of writing, I am taking a break… To write more here. This journey of trying to write all these things has brought me to a point where I realize a lot of things, such as where I’ve been and how far I have come. When it is all in the moment, and you’re jotting down everything you have felt in the past seven years, it gets tough. You start to think, maybe I haven’t come that far at all. Maybe it is just another hole I am letting myself slip into. If you are a writer, and you focus mainly on mental health like I have, don’t fall into that hole. These past few weeks there have been days I haven’t slept, not only trying to get my word count in, but also trying to try and rationalize all my feelings that I have had developing inside me for all these years. It certainly is a great feeling to get it all out, but still. It’s all a work in progress. Life in general is… there I go! Rambling again…

Needless to say, it all gets better. I guess that is my main point in all the posts I make and all the things I try to elude to you all. It may seem tiring and upsetting right now, but it certainly does get better. I hope you all stay tuned with Miss Olivia, my new co-writer, and I, for all our future posts and endeavors!