You ever have that feeling where you have so much to say but you have no idea how to say it? You ever want to scream the words written on your heart, but have no way to articulate them? Yeah, I’m feeling that now. Late nights typically aren’t good for me. I just turn into this ball of giggly goop, and I have no idea what to do with my life. Then again, that really isn’t different from any other time. But, here I am. Currently 12:45 in the morning, and I honestly don’t understand why I am awake other than the swimming thoughts in my mind that keep me vertical in bed. Seems to be a common thing now a days. It’s not particularly bad, just a lot going on in my mind and in my head, and as much as I try and write my feelings, or talk them out, I still seem to lose some sleep here and there.
At the end of the day, the thought that keeps my eyes open the most, is did I do my due diligence for the day. Did I make someone happy? Did I accomplish what I set out to do for the day? I think I did what I had to do yesterday, so I don’t know why I am not sleeping… I think that may be my problem though… I am focusing, and having my own mental health depend on if I made someone else happy, but not myself. Granted, that really isn’t how I operate. I tend to care for other humans before my measly self, and that has made me mentally sick from time to time.
Helping other people can make you have a sense of accomplishment, make you feel overall better about yourself, but never forget about yourself. If you worked long hours mowing someones lawn, make sure you draw a long relaxing bath for yourself after. If you’re on the phone for an evening with your friend who is crying on the other end of the line because Tom was a cheating idiot, then make sure you cuddle up to your loved one that night, or even write down your feelings in your journal to keep up to date with how you feel.
Something I know I am not the best at; making sure I put myself first sometimes. There are times where your feelings should come second. When the health and wellbeing of others is on the line, sure, worry about them. But every chance you get, take care of yourself. For the longest time, struggling with depression has made it extremely difficult to love myself and treat myself first sometimes. Everyday I am getting better at doing so, regardless of the days where I absolutely can’t do it.
It can be hard somedays. I know I say this a lot, but I will continue to say it over and over again. There are days where you don’t want to get out of bed. Days where you feel all hope is lost. Those are the days where you need to take care of your mental state and your body. Drink some tea and run a bath. Start adding some color to those sketches you did years back. Write a letter to a friend you haven’t seen since you both moved away to college. It is the little things that can make a difference between a happy day, and a bad day.
So when I said, “Did I make someone happy?” I didn’t mean just anyone. I meant myself too. Did I make myself happy yesterday? Yes, I did. I accomplished what I set out to do. Now it is time to rest up for another day of good, positive vibes.
What is something you do to show yourself love?