Inevitable Heartbreak: My “I’m Sorry” Open Letter

It is currently 12:26 in the morning, and let me be honest, I am not used to being up this late. This isn’t usually what I do, but feelings need to be written in order to cope with the crushing pain in my chest. Breakups aren’t fun, I think we can all agree on that. But as the tears clog my vision and “our song” blares in my ears, I can’t help but notice that somehow… I can’t even come up with a word that describes what this all even feels like. I’ll admit, I have my faults. And even as I tried to type just one of them, I just delete it because I thought of one far worse then the last. Maybe it is just the feelings talking, or maybe this is the true me that hides under the surface of smiles and positivity breaking through that skin wall. Who knows?

It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be unsure and scared. Maybe your relationship, your education, or your career path worry you on the daily. Whatever fits your situation, it is okay to worry a ton, and be unsure, and be scared. But from what I have learned, wait it out. Not only could all that worry go away, but someone can come along or a situation could present itself that could make your problems dissipate. It’s going to hurt, and you are going to feel your heart shatter every second you think about it. But there is always a better time coming, as long as you wait… If you are dealing with a relationship issue, just wait. Wait for them to come home so you can get on the phone and talk it out. Wait for them to come home from across the country. Don’t give up. If you truly love someone, just wait.

If you can’t wait or if you are dealing with a breakup, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. If it ended with the intention that one was trying to do right, I understand. If you ended it because you were scared or because you felt like you were doing the right thing, the pain goes away, I promise. You just have to breathe, and know that you did what you thought was right. Even though you regret the decision every night, even though you stare at pictures, even though you listen to your guys’ song every chance you get…. God I hope it gets better…

Always on my mind… Always in my heart…

High Expectations

Good afternoon everyone! I hope this Monday has been a good one for you. I started this morning with doing some laundry, coffee, and some good ‘ole organization. I also took the time to reflect on past weeks and how I have been doing.

Last Monday I had a meeting with one of my professors about my approach to the readings in her class. I have realized, making the transition from community college to legitimate college, has been easier than I had hoped. What really has been difficult though is trying to understand the language used. And I vocalized these feelings to her, and you know what she said?

“You need to lower your expectations for yourself!”

WHAT? Me? Lower my expectations? How could I ? I know what I am capable of. But goodness later that day I realized she was right. Not just did she mean lower my expectations for myself academically, but also emotionally.

At 5:00 pm on September 19, 2016, I had my first severe panic attack. I began trembling at first, shallow breathing, feeling like everything was caving in, then came the uncontrollable crying. I was on the bathroom floor surrounded by my roommate and my two best friends, holding me while I cried. As far as I remember, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, which is probably why I don’t remember what happened for that hour.

I kept quiet about it for awhile because I didn’t want people to think that I couldn’t handle what was placed in front of me (school, relationships, changes in general). But I need to realize that I am not always 100% okay or capable of being perfect all that time. I, and a lot of people, need to lower our expectations, and give ourselves room to breathe and understand that we aren’t always where we want to be. I’m allowed to cry as much as I need, I’m allowed to have breakdowns, YOU are allowed to cry, YOU are allowed to breakdown. Just don’t apologize for it. That was something I realized while all this was happening, was that I seemed to apologize a lot when it was all coming down. Why should you apologize for expressing your feelings? Stand strong, cry if you need to, but you don’t need to apologize.

BREATHE. You got this.

 

Eternally Thankful

Upon, finally, coming back on this site to try and compose a compelling blog post, I glance at my stats page.. 192 views on my last post, “Coming Out… Again?.” People, I don’t think you understand where this puts me mentally. Sure, it may not be the biggest population of people, but it is a start for me. For years I have feared that I could never make it as a writer, much less someone who blogs about life and my mental illness. At my college though, I am actually taking a course called Writing About Writing, and the course material and concept is pretty explanatory. In the course I have proven to myself that I can write, and I can write well. It just takes time to advance my skills.

I want to thank everyone who has subscribed to my articles, everyone whose read, commented, and liked my posts. I would like to know what else everyone would like to read about! What can I do to continue helping you?

Much love, Blessed Be

Advice from Mama

“We live in a society, that’s not always accepting of who you are. You need to be able to take the pain. But, you need to remember that your going to be who you are, and no one can change that.” -August 19, 2011, courtesy of Facebook’s ‘On This Day’

Whether it connects with you through mental health disorders, personality, religious preferences, sexual and/or romantic orientation, etc., I believe it stands true with everyone. Ever since I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I felt so different from everyone else. I felt rejected by those who knew, and the anxiety kicked in when I had to tell those who needed to know.

I go to a school now, that I don’t have to worry about that. The people I have met, and the people I have known before and have the honor to be friends with, and even the people I don’t really know, are so accepting, so loving. I have never felt so at peace with my life then where I am now. Granted, yes, I have to write a thesis next year. Yes, the course load will be difficult. But that is a story for another time. Before I got here, I was extremely worried about my social life. Will I fit in? Will I get looked up and down? Will people judge me? Etc. Etc. But now, I am so happy to be a part of this family that everyone looks out for each other. Granted, yes, it is college, and there will always be some social “bumps”, so to say.

I have to remember that I am going to be who I am going to be, and no one can change that. As long as I stay true to myself, I know everything will be okay.

If you went to college, what was your experience like?

An Open Letter to My Fellow Students

Hey there. It’s me. The person you may know really well, or only see my face in the hallway. Either way, hi. I hope you are doing well with either adjusting to your new environment or preparing to step onto that campus for the first time. I’m right there with you so there isn’t much advice I can honestly offer about preparing for this. It’s going to be crazy. I went to community college for two years, so it definitely wont be the same as university so I am about just as nervous as you. I just wanted to take the time out to talk a little bit about self-love type stuff.

Pretty soon, we are all about to go our separate ways. Tomorrow morning in fact, I am loading up a van with all my stuff and I’m moving 20 miles away for college. Some people I know are crossing a couple towns, crossing Florida, or even crossing the country for college. That can be pretty far for some people when things get rough. Not having our family around at all after being with them day in and day out will definitely be a game changer, and instead of family you have people you probably don’t even know.

Don’t stress. I know I am probably repeating the things that give you anxiety about moving away, but don’t worry. You’ll find your place soon enough, and get comfortable. I guess the bottom line here is, remember to take time out for yourself. Between studying and school functions and more studying and classes and then more studying, you’re probably going to feel overwhelmed. Nothing a cup of tea and reading can’t fix. Like I said, I can’t compare too much because I went to community college which is nothing like university, but the premise is still the same. Don’t overload yourself. Don’t burn yourself out.

To all my friends that I have, I am so proud of each of you. I am so proud of what you will accomplish, and I can’t wait to see you soon. Stay in touch, and remember if you ever need me I am here.

To all my friends I will make, I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to share this new experience with all of you, and see where the future takes us all. Also, stay in touch with me too. I know we are all experiencing this together, so if you need me I am here.

To the people at my new school I may never talk to, I hope you do great things, stay strong, and do your best.

 

A Year Ago…

Upon waking this morning, I decided to journal feelings. I haven’t done it in awhile, and figured now was a good time to update. I had found a new journal and decided to start over completely and have my second notebook for jotting this stuff down. I put my time stamp down, and started to write. Then I thought, “I wonder when I started my old journal?” This day a year ago, I had started my first real journal, and I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you took a look at yourself a year ago, how would you feel? So in honor of my one year journal-anniversary, here is the beginning of my first excerpt from one year ago.

08/11/2015 – “I don’t really want to go back to therapy or the hospital, so this journal is to my journey of keeping my happiness alive, while finding out who I am. So I think an intro would suffice. I was born Marissa Ware on 08/24/1998. Everyone tells me that I was a very happy baby. They nicknamed me the “Walmart Greeter.” I was always smiling, always happy to see everyone.”

There is a lot more, but I’m not comfortable diving into my personal stuff just yet. Nonetheless, this change has been great. I can honestly look back and say that I am in a far better place then where I was. One year ago, I was lost, scared, confused. Now, I feel like I have a better grasp on my feelings and who I am. It has been a long road coming, but I think I finally got it, and now that I am going to college in two days, I can walk in with my head held high, medication in my pocket, journal in hand, and know that no matter what, all the things I think are bad about me, don’t define me.

Where do you see yourself in one year?

 

What is Next?

I think that is the question we are all asking ourselves these days. Whether it is with the world around you, your place of employment, personal relationships, your education, whatever. We are all asking what is next. In these past few weeks I have had to come to a strong halt in my thought process. Thinking that I knew what could come next as long as I stuck to a plan and I didn’t waiver in my thoughts or opinions.

Examples:
“I can be off my medication by the time I start college!” – Me, about 2-3 years ago.
“I know what I want to do with my life!” – Me, about a year ago.

Boy was I wrong in those two. I could list more but I don’t want to seem pathetic. I am still going strong in my medication and looking at a couple more years on it, and I have also now decided on a completely new major, of which may still change. My point is, we don’t know what the future brings. We can only be hopeful for what we want / need / wish for, but can’t always bank on it. We can’t always be positive on what comes next, we can only ask the question and wait.

One side not with this whole argument, whatever may come next for you, always do what you have to do, make the decisions you have to, to make YOU happy. This is a hard concept of which I still haven’t even mastered. I can only try my best at it, and hope to improve. Another fault of mine, I seek validation, especially from my family and other loved ones. I feel like I haven’t made the right choice if it upsets / disappoints / infuriates them, no matter how happy the choice may have made me. That, in turn, impacts my choices for my “what comes next?” because I didn’t do, and won’t do, what it takes to make me happy.

Long story short, what ever choice you make to make you question “what comes next?”, make it a healthy, happy, good choice. No matter how hard it may be. Example, divorce. That isn’t a happy choice in the beginning. In the long run, I hope that it would result in a happier life for both parties. Get the picture?

I hope everyone has been well, I wish you happy vibes.

Are making choices easy for you? Or do you
seek other peoples approval?

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The Body Journey

Good morning, and happy Friday! We made it. Started from Monday, now we’re here. Good job team. I don’t know how to go about talking about this. It’s touchy for me, and I am sure sensitive for everyone. Our own perception of ourselves, can be our worst enemies. How you view yourself can destroy you, […]

Long Distance and Depression

Hello June! Looking like you’ll be a good one already. I can’t wait to see what you have to offer. So as the title reads, this is definitely not a happy topic. Its a double sadness whammy. It’s a twofer, as Chris likes to say.
Chris is my boyfriend, currently enlisted, living over 1,000 miles away. It hasn’t been easy on us, but we have pushed through for the sake of our love for each other. We have been together about a year now, and it has been awesome. Granted it has been tough, as any long distance is. The part that makes it extremely tough is when I get in one of my ruts. It is sad that he isn’t here to help with each one, but it helps me push myself to handle it on my own.

I firmly believe, whether long distance or not, you need to try and be able to handle your moods on your own. Sure, it’s always great to have someone there. Always awesome to have someone aid you in trying to be better. But when the time comes that you need to be alone, you need to be able to calm down on your own and do what you can to help yourself get better. I only recently just mastered this, so don’t worry. It takes time and effort. Don’t worry if you can’t get it the first time (God, I feel like I am writing instructions for some DIY project).

I want to know, what do you all want me to focus on? Am I doing good? Comment! Leave me an email!