Hammock, Coffee, and Cold Nights

I missed y’all so much. I’ve been wanting to post for so long, but haven’t found the time. I am truly sorry. But I am here now and I hope everyone has been doing well. I hope you’ve been drinking enough water and getting rest.

So on campus, they had enough funding to buy 10 brand spanking new hammocks! Like wow. This campus is so beautiful and finally being able to spend time outside in this wonderful weather in a comfy seat is glorious. Especially in the morning when the weather is just right, chilling with my coffee and writing my feelings down. It is small things like this that just make you want to think about things, and boy have I been thinking about a lot. There has been so much that has been going on in life honestly. Nothing bad really, quite the opposite. Just a lot of overthinking and stress that makes me worry about having another panic attack.

But I am not that worried.

See the thing is, by me taking all this time to myself, which I don’t do too often, I have been able to reduce a lot of the stress that I have. Taking this time to myself to think and just sit and get the work I have to get done, done, has reduced my stress exponentially. Sure, I’ll have moments of sadness and wanting to pull my hair out, but it is no where as bad as it was. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in some parts of your life to aid other parts of your life. I have finally made myself routines to try and manage everything that I have come across. Social life, studying, sleep. It all fits in somewhere, but sometimes you have to sacrifice one to help the other.

I am absolutely gracious for the family, friends, and wonderful faculty at my school, that will take the time out of their day to actually pull me aside and make sure I am managing my anxiety, and that I am excelling in school as I should be.

What do you do to reduce stress?

Inevitable Heartbreak: My “I’m Sorry” Open Letter

It is currently 12:26 in the morning, and let me be honest, I am not used to being up this late. This isn’t usually what I do, but feelings need to be written in order to cope with the crushing pain in my chest. Breakups aren’t fun, I think we can all agree on that. But as the tears clog my vision and “our song” blares in my ears, I can’t help but notice that somehow… I can’t even come up with a word that describes what this all even feels like. I’ll admit, I have my faults. And even as I tried to type just one of them, I just delete it because I thought of one far worse then the last. Maybe it is just the feelings talking, or maybe this is the true me that hides under the surface of smiles and positivity breaking through that skin wall. Who knows?

It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be unsure and scared. Maybe your relationship, your education, or your career path worry you on the daily. Whatever fits your situation, it is okay to worry a ton, and be unsure, and be scared. But from what I have learned, wait it out. Not only could all that worry go away, but someone can come along or a situation could present itself that could make your problems dissipate. It’s going to hurt, and you are going to feel your heart shatter every second you think about it. But there is always a better time coming, as long as you wait… If you are dealing with a relationship issue, just wait. Wait for them to come home so you can get on the phone and talk it out. Wait for them to come home from across the country. Don’t give up. If you truly love someone, just wait.

If you can’t wait or if you are dealing with a breakup, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. If it ended with the intention that one was trying to do right, I understand. If you ended it because you were scared or because you felt like you were doing the right thing, the pain goes away, I promise. You just have to breathe, and know that you did what you thought was right. Even though you regret the decision every night, even though you stare at pictures, even though you listen to your guys’ song every chance you get…. God I hope it gets better…

Always on my mind… Always in my heart…

A Fresh-ish Start

For the past week I have been pressing on in my college journey. Moving in, doing orientation activities and games, as well as being around all my new classmates. It has honestly been quite the experience, and quite the stressful one as well. While I usually am able to adapt to new situations easily, this one is a little different. Sure, I’m only 20 miles down the road from home, why should I feel homesick? I didn’t feel the anxiety I feel now, snuggled up in MY bed.

But, I digress. I am excited to get started into the school year and continue on with my journey. I have met a lot of new people, seen a couple great friends, it has been amazing. Granted, I haven’t even called home in the past few days because of all the exciting things going on. After taking what we call “Mini-Classes” today, I realize the stress I am under and how tough this is going to be.

This step though has certainly made me think more and more about my depression. How am I going to make sure I take my medicine? How am I going to react when things don’t go the way I want them to? How bad is my anxiety going to get? This is going to get pretty rough, but lets see how it goes…

How bad did everything feel for you when a big step came around?

Busy Bee

As I sit here trying to write something new, with my new puppy, Lucy, curled up against me, the nerves set in. “Oh my goodness, what to write?” I want to make it a happy experience sitting here writing for you all, and not feel like a chore. But I still want to be able to articulate my thoughts and advice in a cohesive blog post.

Trying to stay busy waiting for something is difficult. I attend college in a few weeks, and waiting for it to come is eating me alive! I’m ready to go! I want to start experiencing things, and go on adventures with college friends! Then… the nerves…

I’ll be… away…

I was known, as a child, and as a 17 year old, as a piece of velcro. I was always attached to Mama’s hip, or latched onto Dad’s arm, or with my friends any other time. Now that I have to be TORN AWAY from everyone to go live at college, is tough. But you are literally still in the same town as your family and friends, why are you complaining? Because I’m a needy little brat thats why. The idea of “leaving the nest” wasn’t the most pleasant of ideas for me. I like being comfortable, in places I know, with food I love, and people I like.

Ever since the depression manifested, I have developed this fear of loneliness. Not as in me being physically alone, but emotionally. Sure, my family is just a call away, but it will be much different not coming home to them every night. It’s the fear of having to make new friends and new family with my college buddies. What if they don’t like me? What if I am too much of an emotional wreck? Hopefully they will manage with my antics.

I have also tried taking up organizational habits in the past two weeks. I’ve started something called a Bullet Journal, where I log each day, goals, weekly stuff, monthly view, bunch of stuff. I wonder if it is really needed because I already have a planner for the school year, which I am using now to get into the habit of. When I plan things out, execute beautiful organizational skills, *sigh* it lifts my spirits, just a bit. Hopefully knowing that I will be organized for the school year will be something that makes me proud when I get sad or annoyed during the year.

What is something, no matter how small,
that makes you proud when you are sad?

Happiness is a Job

Happy Thursday everyone! It is a bright sunny day, of which I will most likely spend inside.. Oh well. Today is day 4 of my new job, and I am really loving it. I work in a “Tex-Mex” restaurant, and I am so happy to be back working. The part that is hard though, is having to go through all the training again, the meeting of employees, studying a whole new menu, gaining trust from managers, the whole deal. But it is a job of which I love to work and am happy to work.

Starting a new job is a breeding ground for new anxiety, new reasons to crawl back into bed and not do anything. But, when you enjoy your job you tend to learn to push through it all. First day of this new job, I was on top of cleaning tables like I usually do during slow nights, and spilt coffee all over one of the servers. He cleaned himself up, he mopped for me and was super kind about it. Completely the opposite from what I was expecting.

Let me touch on the title for a second. For most people, happiness comes naturally. It is easy to just smile and walk around and have a fantastic day. For those people, the job is easy. For us with depression, it’s a different story. Everyday trying to maintain a certain level of happiness, is difficult and definitely energy consuming. For us, the job is tedious and hard. Doesn’t mean that the job isn’t do-able though. Just means we have to work twice as hard to make it seem like it comes with ease.

I hope everyone enjoys their day! Can’t wait to head into work tonight!